Saturday, August 28, 2010

Peace Out

No new blog for a while. I'm going away with the family for a week to some place called Sunset Cove. It looks amazing and I'm stoked.

No internet for a whole week though?! How will I ever manage??

All that and more upon my return.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Blow Out The Candles

What did you wish for when you blew out the birthday candles as a kid?

I never wished for anything. I knew that it would have to be for something good, but nothing ever came to mind.

Now when I make wishes, I wish for direction, and a purpose.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Words, Inception and Toaster Strudels

God, Radiolab! I cannot express how much I freaking love the things you talk about!

This episode is all about words, and damn. It is just so cool. What a perfect episode for a writer. They were just talking about Shakespeare, and all the words that he made up. He was one of the first to start adding the prefix "un-" to words. He made unearthly, undress, unsolicited, uncomfortable, unaware, unreal... I could go on. He started combining words too. Eyeball, ladybird, madcap, eyedrops, etc.

And the phrases! Dead as a doornail, the game is a foot, in my heart of hearts, and even knock knock, who's there? It's just so fucking cool. And now they're talking about how without language, we aren't really able to have thoughts.

Another man says "Basically, all we are is a story, a story that we tell ourselves." Like, my story is "My name is Lisa, and at the moment I'm 20. I love writing, drawing, cooking, and I have a boyfriend named Max. Tomorrow I am going to Chiara's barbecue, for which I made lamb meatballs." I really like that idea, that all we are is a story.

Today I saw Inception, and man, am I going to have a fuck of a time getting to sleep tonight. Haha, not really. It was very, very cool though, and if you haven't seen it yet, I suggest that you do. It's no big secret that I love dreams, and I'm fascinated by how it works. My own dreams are just so... wild and crazy, I feel like I'm addicted to them sometimes. I liked when, in the movie, they were talking about how you're the one creating the dream, but you feel as if you're just discovering it for the first time. I think it's amazing.

I feel well tonight. A little restless, but peaceful. Like I know there's going to be time for everything. Just drawing and blogging right now, listening to some Death Cab For Cutie and enjoying a toaster strudel. Speaking of toaster strudels...

Today, as I had some for breakfast, I was literally wiggling with joy. I love toaster strudels. I had one for the first time ever at Janine's house when I was about 11, and have loved them ever since. I hadn't had one for years before I realized "Hey, I'm an adult! And I have money! I'll just buy my own damn toaster strudels!" So I said to Max and Tanis, "Do you guys have something, like, a food, that you get excited about being able to eat because you love it so much?" They both didn't really understand what I was talking about.
Honestly? Am I the only one who feels like this? Like, another example is my all time favourite dinner of (breakfast) sausages, mashed potatoes and beans, with tea. I actually get excited when this is being made for dinner. It's total comfort food from my childhood. We had it a fair amount, because it was cheap, easy and filling. It just feels... cozy. And happy. But I asked them if they had a food like this, and they said no. You guys make me sad.

In other news, I've discovered this site called Sketchoholic, and it seems really fun. I believe there are contests, where they throw out something random like "Alien Farmer" or "Bunny Frog" and then you have to interpret that however you like and draw it. This will surely get the creative juices flowing! So I've signed up, and drawn my own Alien Farmer, but still have to figure out how this site works...

Anyway, peace it.

"And everyone you meet all seem to be asleep." - Bixby Canyon Bridge, by Death Cab For Cutie

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Mortality

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat, goosebumps all over, suddenly terrified of how fragile we really are?

I do.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

A Child And A Chickadee

I know, I know I am the most cynical, harsh person. I know that sometimes, I am not kind. I know I am exacting, I know I am hard to please.

But sometimes, I get moved to tears by things like this.
(If you can watch it in full screen, I recommend you do so. It's better that way.)

I don't even know how to explain it. I just... okay, here, I wrote a poem about it one time.

Sometimes I am moved to tears by the world
A sound a face a breeze a gesture a smell a colour a smile a death a wave
Why do these things, so small so nothing and unimportant,
MOVE me, to the point of overwhelming my senses,
this day-breaking gull flying light shining.
I don't believe in God or gods or heaven and hell
I believe that one day a plant grew and an animal became and one day,
one day,
a word was spoken,
so why tears? Why does a crowd of people, all seperate, all hurtling in different directions
hit me so hard?
Why will a child and a chickadee make me choke?


It's like sometimes, when I see things like that video, or witness events that are so seemingly unimportant, I feel the whole world at once.

Monday, August 9, 2010

I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire

You know what, I'm going to stop being such a fucking weenie.

I noticed someone commented on my last post (btw, thank you. I love comments. It reminds me that there are actually people out there who read these things), and she was very frank with me.

"To be honest, you don't sound well. As an anonymous reader who has suffered from depression and has about 20 years on you, you sound like you are depressed, and maybe a bit manic. I mean, you write these words yourself, so it's not that much of a surprise, right?"

She's right, it's not much of a surprise. I have always been pretty sure that I was depressed. I think it runs in the family a bit, actually, which is a very sad thing to be genetic (hahaha, literally). But she then went on to say

"Everyone goes through periods of time where it ain't so rosy, but sometimes it can be medical, like as in altered brain chemistry. No amount of motivation or trying can fix that."

Argh. That's what I'm really trying to avoid.

1. Seeing a doctor/therapist

It's no big secret that I think I'm the toughest person in the whole world. I really don't like going to see doctors. Not because I'm afraid of them or anything. I just view going to a doctor as an act of weakness. I come from a fiercely independent family, and growing up I was taught how to take care of myself. I used the word "hardy". My corrected me and said "Not hardy. Harsh." Before going to the doctors, there were home remedies, or sleeping it off; taking care of yourself the old-fashioned way. Infected cuts were treated with hot water and salt, a plugged ear was fixed with a little warm oil, sore throats were given freezies (okay, freezies aren't really a home remedy). Of course we always went to the doctor when things got bad, but things rarely got bad because we were very vigilant about minor scrapes and cuts and such.
Also, I have a bit of a weird hang up with modern medicine. I mean, don't get me wrong, it is fucking dandy. Saving lives is swell. Sometimes I just feel that we are getting a little too dependent on it though. Did you know that people in Third World countries don't get allergies? Because their immune systems are tough as shit, while ours are molly-coddled with... okay, this is a rant for another post. But you get the idea.

2. Medication

When I was in grade 9 (or 10?) this girl that I was friends with was on anti-depressants. When she wasn't on them, she was pretty much normal. But when she was on them... I don't know, I found it a little chilling. She had on the BIGGEST smile, all the time, like she couldn't stop. I actually asked her one time "Why are you smiling?" and she said she didn't know. She just couldn't stop. And right then, I swore to myself that I would never take anti-depressants. I don't want to be fake-happy, I want to be REAL-happy.
Okay, you're depressed, so you take medication for it. Things are great now. But, for whatever reason, you go off them for a bit. And then you're back to the way things are.
I don't want to take them if it's only masking the problem. Like I said, I want to be real-happy, not fake-happy. If I'm just going to go back to the way I was before if I stop taking the pills, then I personally don't see the point.

Okay, okay, okay, PERHAPS, maybe, at one point, sometime, in the future, I MAY go and see a therapist. Just to talk. Just to see what's going on up there. But keep in mind, you guys, the more people tell me to do something, the more I won't do it. I'm Mary-Mary-Quite-Contrary.

SO. Is there anything else less emo going on?

Just working. But the other day, I made apricot and almond florentines! Okay, the ones in the picture look a little better than mine, but I think that's because they used better almonds than me. The recipe called for slivered almonds, but they used these ones, and I used these ones. I think theirs look better, AND I didn't make mine thin enough. But they were still good.
Too bad baking is such an expensive hobby.

I'm going to make this daily again! I miss it. ALSO! I'm almost at 100 posts!
And I still only have 5 subscribers.... :D

Chin up! Chin up! Keep your chin up!

Different Names For The Same Thing

I know, I know, it's been a long time. But not much has changed, so what's the point.

I just feel really aimless and pointless right now. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I want to draw, I want to write, I want to create SOMETHING. But I just can't.

I'll write later today when I'm being less emo.

Also, I'm broke right now, and I need catfood. Fuuck.